One hell of a glimpse into the future of gaming


Of course, this game is rushed and buggy and frankly unplayable and plagued with Disorders that trigger seizures, but it has grappling hooks, pointless lore, and emotes! However, they have competition when it comes to biographical minutiae. As of this year, the DOOM Codex has grown to double the length of war and peace and has six times as many characters, no minor NPC is too insignificant to have its own melodramatic backstory. The Pinky Demon’s projected hatred of the Doom Guy makes so much more sense when you dig into his troubled relationship with his emotionally distant father.

ID software

The Pulitzer Prize-winning novel is set to become a Netflix original series soon.

It’s the 2030s and this industry is full of groundbreaking, original new ideas! Every single weapon feels weak and identical, but they have weapon skins that you can switch on the fly if you get bored waiting for your health to regenerate behind cover. If the pace bothers you too much, you can now skip the tiresome gameplay by pressing X and just watching the non-skippable cutscenes. Never mind that they’re playing at an extremely unstable frame rate that doesn’t look like the hyped trailer at all. If it doesn’t crash, Assassin’s Creed style skin defects are even more hilarious and immersive in stunning 8K resolution:

Skeleton model in the garden after two beers

Hans Jürgen Neubert

No skin, no problem.

Fans demanded immersion and RPG stats, and they got it. Well, at least when it comes to manipulation size of your penis. What about branching storylines, custom builds, or dialogue options that alter the game in meaningful ways such as: Fallout: New Vegas used only a fraction of the budget in 2010? Nope, that got cut. Don’t worry, they slapped Keanu Reeves in-game to make things right.

Everyone loves open world games and this map doesn’t disappoint as it is 240 times the size of the state of California. The map is so vast and empty that the immersive new bubble mechanic forces you to literally stop your flying rocket bike at a rest stop and pee every ten minutes while traveling to your mission objective. Shrinking horse glands were just the beginning. If your weapons can disintegrate, why not your internal organs? Wait too long to pee and you’ll get a virtual bladder infection. Those who pre-ordered five years ago are eligible for a special upgrade benefit to boost their digital bladder stats if they choose not to play the mandatory gas station urinal mini-game.

McDonald's waterless urinal

Annasmith1986/Wiki Commons

The Splash physics took six years and 200,000 man-hours to develop.

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